I have considered writing my story for some time but it never seemed right. But now, in light of so many things happening, I am going to put some things down.
In the past week or so, I have seen a lot of videos from parts of Florida and North Carolina, regarding the storms.
My focus are on the testimonies of people that survived through what we would call miracles.
They are typical of nearly all testimonies that I have heard. Something bad is happening. The person or people cry out to God, and God answers.
But there is a flip side too. There were a lot of bodies collected that did not survive. Am I to believe than none of the people that died called out to God?
It would be foolish to believe this. In fact, for nearly every person that I have met with some miraculous testimony, I know someone that prayed, and still lost.
This is our story, and it's why listening to testimonies is so painful.
I heard and understood the gospel message around 1987. Accepted that I am a sinner in need of a savior and that Jesus, who is God in the flesh, came and paid with His life for all of my sins.
I have asked Him countless times to be lord of my life.
Over the years I spent a lot of time in bible studies and read so many books. Always seeking for the one thing that I have never found. The relationship that so many people speak of.
I do not know God. I know who He is but there is no intimate relationship. There were a few times when I thought maybe it's happening, only to be wrong again.
I do not claim to know the why. In fact, I have never met anyone that can accurately say why God does anything. Which leads me to most of the books that have been recommended. They present some system, method, or formula to find God. The formulas do not work.
Another problem I have is the statement that we are not defined by our past mistakes. That cannot be further from the truth. In my life, the absolute worst mistake I ever made was in 1996. It took about two years to realize that it was a mistake, and every day since then, I pay the price. There was a period in my life, about eight years ago, when I saw what I thought was a way out. For about a year I actually approached life with a bit more optimism. But then it all came crashing down. I will never forget the day and what happened to bring this realization. I saw something happen and immediately knew that I will never have what I really want. And that in all of our troubles, Vicki and will face them alone. That one mistake will cause me grief for as long as I live.
This caused several days of intense prayer and a lot of grief. I had read a book, I do not remember who wrote it. It told a "testimony" of a man who was having a deep spiritual crises. In the midst of this, he called out to God to send someone. Just send some random person. So many testimonies are of meetings where someone says that this person came and said God sent me.
I really needed that. Another event that I will never forget. I was empty. Had been doing some house work all alone. I finally laid down on the living room floor and cried out to God.
I asked if He was there, is there at least one person near me that can actually hear Your voice? Can you send me just one person? No-one ever came.
This was the major turning point. I began to look on prayer like knocking on someone's door. I can see them through the window, but no matter how much I knock, there is no answer.
Yet, almost daily, I would meet someone who talks about how they just knocked once and the door was opened. It is very hard to believe that God is no respecter of persons when things like this happen.
Today prayer, and even the thought of prayer, is emotionally painful. I heard some years ago, I do not remember who said it, that there are two reasons that people do not pray.
They do not believe that God will be there, or they are afraid that He will. I fall in the first category.
I have been told by a lot of religious people that I just don't have enough faith. That I have unconfessed sin, (I suspect everyone has at least one), that I have never really surrendered to Jesus.
Maybe the second and third. I am aware of a lot of sin I have had in my life, and I am no different from anyone else, things happen every day. What I cannot accept is not having enough faith.
If God is sovereign, and He certainly is. Then how can my lack of faith stop God?
Combining on top of this is the accident that has permanently disabled Vicki. It's been five years and still she is seeing doctors attempting to fix things. And some of her issues the doctors do not know what to do.
I accept that we all suffer losses. But it's also obvious that some suffer more than others. There is still something that I desire. Two songs that are commonly sung in churches on a regular basis are "Amazing Grace", by John Newton, and "It Is Well With My Soul", by Horatio Spatfford. I have sung the songs. I know the words and melodies, what I truly want to know is what happened?
Both of these men had some experience which allowed them to write these songs.
Today I sometimes wonder what lies after life. Am I really forgiven? Is it really paradise? Will I finally actually meet Jesus? I have no fear of death, but at the same time I have no joy in life.
One case in point. This happened about three years ago. I received a call while at work. Something happened which would be called good news. After the conversation I sat at my desk and thought, I should feel happy, but I don't. Then I thought, when was the last time that I felt happy, and I could not remember.
And then, on the flip side of the "good news". For so long every time my phone would ring it would be bad news, for the next three or four days I was wound up like a guitar string, expecting some bad news every time my phone rang. That "good news" call was not very good. Some perspective here. in 2015, in the month of January, on every day but two something bad happened. Someone died, was diagnosed with cancer, some major appliance or vehicle broke. Something was stolen, the list goes on. I had to turn my phone off for several days because every time it rang, I would have a panic attack. Even today, when I get calls from certain people, if I see the caller ID I expect that it's going to be bad.
This "testimony" is just my version of reality. God answers some prayers and not others. Some people recover from sickness and disease and others die. It cannot be attributed to prayers, as I have known people fully devoted with huge groups of prayer warriors and still not recover.
I will confess that while I am glad to see people have transformed lives, I am also jealous knowing that for me, that did not happen.
